Life Stories

Joni’s story

No way; there is no way I will bring a child into this horrible world not after what happened to me!

I stepped into Clearway Clinic hoping that the home pregnancy test had been wrong and determined to get rid of this unwanted pregnancy if it was right. Nothing in my life had ever been happy. I was a casualty of the system, and I was sure I didn’t want to bring another child into this world. I could never place a baby for adoption knowing what I know, and all my friends are telling me that I have to abort.

My parents had been deported, but because I had been born in the US, I was left to the foster care system – an unwanted citizen. Even though I got adopted eventually, it was clear that I wasn’t valued or loved in that home. Now I’m homeless, trying to find my own way – again. I know first-hand how hard life can be for an unwanted kid. The father of the baby doesn’t want a kid and even though I thought someday I would have a family I don’t want this baby right now, not this way. This baby is unwanted, just like me.

I thought I would just see a doctor at the clinic but they had an advocate and a nurse meet with me. The whole visit was surprising, not because I actually was pregnant, but because they both took time to talk with me and really helped me see that I wasn’t as trapped as I thought I was, that there was important information I needed to know before making a decision. It caught me off guard that the advocate pointed out aspects of my situation and how I had been hurt; things I never thought about before that were affecting my thinking and decision making. Hurt, rejection and fear were the reasons motivating my decisions. The advocate said two things that really stuck:

My own past doesn’t have to be repeated in my child’s life; I can make good choices now to make my child’s life different.

I don’t have to do what my friends are telling me to do; I can listen, express my thanks for their concern for me, but I can make whatever decision I know in my heart is right for me. It may sound crazy, but what a relief!

I was relieved. I felt like I was freed to make up my own mind for once. As these two ladies helped me through such a difficult moment in my life, I felt like someone actually cared about me for once in my life.

I left Clearway that day with a clear way. The advocate helped me categorize and put all the obstacles in my head in their proper place so I could evaluate everything objectively now. I spent a lot of time thinking about everything we had talked about and the medical information the nurse gave me. I realized that in my heart I really wanted the child and even though life brought it to me in a much unexpected way, I decided to have the baby. Even though I felt unwanted and unloved, I will do my best to make sure my baby knows it is wanted and loved.